You've got your child tattooed on your back you're so excited about it...

"If life is what you make of it... why do we waste time waiting for it?"

Day in and day out I find myself not utilizing the time I am given. Each of us only has 24 hours each day. However, I feel as if most days I'm only using about ten of them. Even when I am in places where I am supposed to be productive, you know, like school and work, I still find ways to be lazy. I'm assuming tackling that feat is something I am trying to achieve by writing everyday. I also came to the conclusion I will be eating a frosty from Wendy's every of summer too. I hope my writing follows me into the rest of my year but definitely not the ice cream.

Yesterday was eventful. I found myself being a horrible host (my cousin is in town) but also doing some things I desperately needed to do. I spent the better part of my day moving a friend into a new house, napping in that new house, and eating fish from an old spot of ours. I am so confused right now I don't know what to do. But that's another story I'll never bring myself to tell, not even to myself.

On a much lighter note, I finally figured out what I wanted to write about today. I was going to write about why I think the Phoenix Suns failed so miserably, however instead I chose a topic everyone would enjoy. So here you go…

TOP 3 REASONS I DO NOT WANT CHILDREN.

1. I am not dating nor married to anyone attractive enough, tall enough, or boss enough to impregnate me.

Not only do I consider myself to be an attractive woman but also one who possesses quite a bit of brains. I know God blessed me with immense amounts of intelligence, beauty, life experience, and most of all athletic ability. All of those come hand in hand when finding a mate. If in the event I ever lay a brood of children they will all have a five feet nine inch mother (I hear that's the average height for males nowadays) and a six foot and some change father. That change will be at least two or three inches by the way. Call me picky. Call me unreasonable. I do not care. I will just say I have preferences. And as of late, I have yet to find someone to fit the criteria. I will not settle for less when it comes to raising someone who will essentially be a part of me. I do not want to attach my name to anything I'm not happy with. So nothing but over six foot, light skinned, handsome, athletic males will do. (No women. No periods. No risk of short slave hair.) Call me a perfectionist.

2. Children are the most expensive bill of your life.

Okay, let's think about this. You paid for the bed you were impregnated on or impregnated someone on. So maybe you didn't pay for it per say. Maybe it was at a friend’s house (now isn't that one for the grand kids). For my story's sake you are married and you paid for this magical bed. So that's one thing you've paid for and you aren't even pregnant yet. Then you miss your period (assuming you're a woman). Or your girl's missed her period, you both are scared shitless. That just cost you a few years off your life and you still don't know for certain if you're pregnant. So the minute you/your girl is late you/your girl runs out and purchases that dreaded pregnancy test. I've never had to buy one so I don't know how much they cost. But by the looks of those new commercials with the digital "yes you've ruined your life"/"no you'll live another day but you keep this up doom will sure follow" signs they have to be in the $10.00 range. So what's that? The bed, the years off your life, and now a $10.00 pregnancy test. Damn. And you ain’t even showing yet.

Okay, so now you're pregnant. And I'm sorry but I don't like children enough to know how much all that messy formula, diapers, clothes, you know... the works cost. But I’m sure it's a lot. I do not feel the need to go into detail about how much money you will be spending over the course of your life time on these little rugrats. Who frankly, will likely grow up to be big rugrats you will still be paying for. Think to yourself. I don't care how old you are. As long as your parents are still living, there is sometime or another in the past year they have tossed a little cheddar your way. See, lifers. I'm just not down for all that. Do you know how many season basketball tickets I could buy with what I would spend raising a child. And I want one of you to convince me that floor seats at the Lakers (I don't even like the Lakers, it was more of a status analogy) isn't better than your little bundle of joy.

3. I will not ever tolerate a child that needs a leash.

Man. Kids are bad now a days. Friday night on our way to karaoke we stopped by Albertson's to pick up a few things. The minute I walked in I noticed a man holding what looked like a leash. My eyes moved slowly from the man's hand down the canvas strap to what looked like a little rodent, but ended up being his son. I was astonished. I mean a leash? His child was strapped in like a animal... on a leash. Can I blame him? No. Should you? Fuck no. In just the past three days I've ran into three children that were worthy of a leash. Is it the parents fault? You bet your ass it is. But there are some children that are just bad by nature.

Let me explain. It was about two days ago I joined my mother for a burger at In N Out. During the course of our meal there was this little bad ass Mexican kid running around the joint. I mean literally running. Sliding. Falling. Making a goddamn mess. He had on a shirt that was two sizes too small. His belly was hanging out over his pants. He had ketchup all over his face and hands. This kid was filthy. I look over at his mom who had a lot of about five with her and she was playing with little Juan's happy meal toy. (I don't know what they call them at In N Out). Well anyway, the kid wasn't even bothering me or my Mom because we all know my mom would have tripped his little ass. I felt more concern for people who were sitting behind him. You know those glass partitions In N Out uses to separate their booths? Well this kid is standing on his mother's shoulders screaming at the couple who were trying to enjoy their double doubles. Maria had to be high because there is no way she could have been sober letting her kid mount her like a horse. No way. Now if Maria would have had little Juan in a leash none of this would have even happened.

Life is good when you have no children. I mean, I’m happy. I don’t need any snotty nosed, bald headed, badass to validate my greatness. I can do that shit on my own. If you didn’t know, before you know now. Don’t expect to be invited to no baby shower. And that’s real.

Peace and Love

(2,470 words and counting)

P.S. Laker fans… You mad?