Blacking them out.

Coming out of retirement.
I didn't even want to come back like this. Ranting and raving and angry. I try hard to not to let things bother me but it's hard. It's so hard. I don't know what it is or how its become that way but I continue to surround myself with fake ass, bum ass, stupid ass people. Being upset because they don't read my shit fails in comparison to the things that have been happening lately. I wish I could just go back to being mad about that. But no. Sorry. Life doesn't work that way. It throws big ass bricks at you when you aren't even looking. Damn life. Can't you at least call my name first so I can have a few seconds to sheild my face? Or do you like to throw heavy ass cinder blocks at my back? I learned a good lesson the other day... well hell this whole week for that matter. But it all started with my uncle telling me, "Celia you don't need many friends. If any at all. You see my friends (my mom and dad) I have four, Your mom and dad, and you and Chris by default. The older you get the less friends you have. Don't wait until you're my age to realize that." Damn. If that wasnt the best advice anyone's ever given me.

As of today I'm making a list of the bums I hang out with. And the way I'm feeling now its not going to take much to black them the fuck out. I mean really picture this... A big ass list of all my "friends" and as they fuck up I'm just going to take a big ass Sharpie marker, the biggest one they make, and cross their mutha fuckin name out. Scribble on that shit. Demolish it. I might run my marker back and forth so hard and so much I'll make one of those wet ass holes in the paper you did by accident when you were four coloring too hard. To be honest, the old me really wants to make the list here and now and list all the reasons I'm not friends with them anymore. But the new me is telling me: A. I'm above that, B. they wouldn't read the shit anyway, and C. They are so fucked up in the mind that the shit wouldn't even affect them.

One of my "friends"... kicked my ass to the curb for some bum who is controlling her life. BLACKED THE FUCK OUT.

One of my "friends"... has her own problems and is steady talking about mine to some grown ass women who know nothing about me. BLACKED THE FUCK OUT.

One of my "friends"... is the most judgemental person I know and I'm positive she's talking about me to the previous bum lets just say she's guilty by association. BLACKED THE FUCK OUT.

One of my "friends"... doesn't answer my calls, only calls me when she needs something, is super thirst and going out with some people she doesn't even like. BLACKED THE FUCK OUT.

Considering I don't have very many friends to begin with, the list is getting shorter by the day. I don't mind it. Honestly, I could care less. I just know I'm really going to go back to the old me and just not care at all about people. I didn't want to do that because I know the outcome. I'm going to be burnt that everyone relies on me and I have no one to rely on. But do you want to know what I learned? I don't need to rely not a mutha fuckin body. No one. And the minute I slip back into that mindset, I'll be happy. But like everything in life it comes with consequenses. I will be the BITCH who doesn't need anyone, who keeps everything to myself, who's stuck up, who's crazy. Me? No. Just remember it was the same mutha fuckas who will be judging me when I change that judged me before to make me this way. Fuck all of you. Real talk. I'm offically washing my hands of all of you bums. Donzo.