I wonder.

Blog number four. Frosty number two. Emotion number one.

For the majority of my life I used basketball to help me through any and every emotion. If I was happy, I played basketball. If I was sad I played basketball. Stressed, basketball. Angry, basketball. Each day the end result was the same. I was a little better than I was before. I don't have that anymore. I don't have the time or the desire to just pick up a ball and go shoot like I did when I was young. Its been eight years since my first knee surgery and this year will be four for the second. I can count on my hands how many times I've picked up a ball since then. Lucky for me, I found a new way to deal.

From time to time I find a song that really tells the tale of my life at the moment. I love to listen to it over and over and analyze each line in relation to my life. There are days when I know the song was written for me, for this moment. Well, welcome to my life. Welcome to this moment.

I wonder by Kanye West.

Find your dreams come true.
And I wonder if you know.
What it means, what it means.

And I wonder if you know.
What it means, what it means.
To find your dreams.

Wow. Dreams. We all have them. Be it big or small, we all have them. Some of us want to be doctors, lawyers, college professors. Some of us just want to be a wife or a husband, have a family. None of those satisfy me and sometimes that scares me. Are my ambitions to big to obtain? No. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I always sit and wonder why I am the way I am and what makes me tick. Instead of trying to figure other people out, I try to analyze myself. I am so sick and tired of people telling me what they think I want or who they think I am. Nobody knows me if I don't know myself, so please just stop trying. I know who I am and I know where I'm going, but if I haven't even figured out what makes me me, then what makes you think you could? Do you know why I don't honestly give a fuck about you, why I run through friends like socks, why I push away every single person who has done nothing but good for me? No? Me neither. Do you see? Do you see what I'm trying to say? Don't judge me. Allow me to be myself and grow and just appreciate the fact, as taboo as it may sound, I just might be different than you. I have goals and dreams too. It just may take me a little longer than you to accomplish them. You want to know my dream? I want someone to pay for something I wrote, and think it was amazing. I want to be the most arrogant bitch around because I know I've perfected my craft, not because I know I will be. Think about your dreams before you go analyzing mine, because I know you didn't think I was going to write that.

I've been waiting on this my whole life.
These dreams be wakin' me up at night.
You say I think I'm never wrong.
You know what, maybe you're right, aight?

And I wonder if you know.
What it means, what it means.
And I wonder if you know.
What it means to find your dreams.

I have been waiting for this moment. Waiting for the day when I found exactly what defined me. Basketball always defined me, and that's fine. No, its better than fine, its great. I love that game more than I love my friends because even through the bad times it never let me down. I blew out both of my knees, I was layed up in the bed for months, I've been bitter for days about losses I didn't even play in. A lot of people don't get that. They just can't comprehend why I am so consumed by something as minor as sports. Well you know what? Those people don't know what its like to be passionate about something. My gears have switched but they are the same nonetheless. I am still always going to be passionate about basketball, but now, I've found a way to share my passion with the world. And more importantly, people who would appreciate it.

You say I think I'm never wrong. You know what you are right, aight. I know I'm never wrong. I know that whatever I write, whatever I say is right even when its wrong. It takes a strong person to be like me. I very strong person. I am fascinated with people who don't take shit from anyone. They know what they want and they go get it. There is nothing wrong with being arrogant and frankly, I hate it has such a negative connotation. Being arrogant is hard. But look at all the arrogant people you know, with the exception of me, they all have money, they are happy, and they have perfected their craft. Let me quote one of my new favorite people, NFL star Chad Johnson aka Ocho Cinco, "In order to have fun you have to be cocky and arrogant. But swagger comes from confidence and confidence comes from hard work." So with that, you see why its so important for me to write everyday, sacrifice my time that I would be spending having fun, to work hard. To improve on my gift as he has improved on his own.

You say he gets on your fuckin' nerves.
You hope that he gets what he deserves.

Do you even remember what the issue is?
You just tryna find where the tissue is.
You can still be who you wish you is.
It ain't happened yet that's what the intuition is.

You hop back in the car, drive back to the crib
Run back to they arms.
The smokescreens, the chokes and the screams.
Do you ever wonder what they all really mean?

And I wonder if you know.
What it means, what it means.
And I wonder if you know.
What it means, to find your dreams.

I did say that. Those words spewed from my mouth. And ever since they left I knew I was wrong. But being who I am I know I can't come back from that. I'm too stubborn. I'm always right, even when I'm wrong. But is this the price you pay for knowing that you're right? Do you continue to run from what could have been great because you're stubborn? No. You don't run. You stop and you think and you evaluate. You listen to your mind and your heart and what they have to say. Not your boys or your girls because they don't have a damn thing to say you don't already know. And let's be honest, you aren't going to listen to them anyway. I do not remember what the issue is. But I'm a big girl so no more tears here. All I can do now is wait and see if I still have time to be who I wish is. Or if that is even what is supposed to happen.

I hopped back in the car. Drove back to the crib. Ran back to they arms. But this time those arms weren't there. They had closed to me and opened to someone else. You invest so much time and grow together to both come out great for someone else? Is that how life is supposed to go? You groom each other to not reap the benefits of a better, older, wiser person? Sometimes yes. Most of the time yes. All of the time yes. It sucks but sometimes it just happens that way. "The smoke screens the chokes and the screams/do you ever wonder what they all really mean?" All the time. I wonder.

And I'm back on my grind.
A psychic read my lifeline.
Told me in my life time.
My name would help light up the Chicago skyline

And that's why I'm
Seven o'clock that's prime time.
Heaven'll watch God's callin' me from the hotlines.
Why he keep givin' me the hotlines?
I'm a star how could I not shine?

I am back on my grind, in life and in love. I don't need a psychic to tell me I'm going to shine. I make my future and its looking bright enough to outshine Yeezy and his skyline. Sky's the limit for people like me and in due time all you naysayers will see. I don't have time to listen to your analyzations, your lies, your predictions. I am me. And I am the only one who can determine my future (It was not my intention for that to rhyme by the way).

Where's all the ladies in the house?
Where's all the ladies in the house without a spouse?
Somethin' in your blouse got me feelin' so aroused. What you about?

On that independent shit.
Trade it all for a husband and some kids.
You ever wonder what it all really means?
You wonder if you'll ever find your dreams?

I always wonder what it all really means, but now I never wonder if I'm going to find my dreams.

Peace and Love

(3,732 words, and counting...)

Oh and I have a new goal. I'm not going to stop writing everyday until I get to 1,000,000 words. That's right a millie. Stay tuned.