So.

So.

Of all days I decide to come back I pick today.  What is supposed to be the most uncomfortable, awkward day of this year.  Valentine's day used to mean the world to me, but that was ages ago.  Now, especially as of late, I am embracing this whole single life thing, and not in the sense that you all may think.  No. I'm not going on crazy amounts of dates.  No. I'm not the "I don't need no man" woman.  No.  I'm not spending all my free time with my "girls" and not having a care in the world.  I am just being me. Getting my priorities straight.  And most of all, finally letting go of the past. I watched the movie Serendipity today and realized in the past week its been my life. Something I should have known all along and something I will know for the rest of my life.  Instead of second guessing myself I'm reassuring that I made the right decision. In the past week I fell in love with me, all over again.  With the help of a new friend I realized that almost always, what you think to be true is and how you are/were acting probably wasn't as bad as they made it seem, and even when you don't see the forest through the trees, it's still there.  I'm over. over. over. being forced to feel like the felon.  I'm over. over. over. being forced into this role that someone thinks I'm playing.  Newsflash. I'm not a felon and I'm not playing the role you wrote for me.  I'm playing the role I wrote for me.  And guess what? I love that role. 

So.

Now that that's out of the way. IM BACK. I hope for good this time but I doubt it.  I barely have time to write things that are graded let alone things that aren't.  But, in a big way, bigger than most of you would know, I'm back.  I promised myself I wouldn't, and couldn't for that matter, blog while my mom was sick.  Good news is she's not anymore.  Well for the time being.  Valley Fever ain't no joke. LOL But seriously, Mom is off the "anti-terrible" medicine she was receiving three times a week that literally put her to sleep for the entire day.  I didn't see nor interact with my mother for three full days a week. It got to the point where I would just sit in her room and stare at her, wishing she had the energy to talk back to me. I guess I can write about it now because she's better.  God knows I couldn't have done it during that time. But like I said, she's better now and I'm happy about it.  Little things like a hilarious conversation we had on Monday make me cherish the time I have with her.  Who could ever say a conversation that has,"shut up!, Get off my back!, and you're stupid!" would be the highlight of my life.  But that's just us. Me and my mom that is. 

So. 

I'm at work.  And I'm low key mad about it.  Then I had to realize ... I only have to show up to this job 8 times a month.  Why the fuck are you mad? Maybe because it's all star weekend.  Good news is I caught the dunk contest and I loved it. I always was mad because the "stars" never entered the contest, well this new wave of "stars" anyway.  The dudes who think they don't need silly things like dunk contests.  But these are the same dudes who grew up watching the real stars in those silly things.  That's probably why they are playing basketball in the first place.  Well, tonight made me retract any time I was ever mad.  Ever. Those guys put on a show. Nate Robinson?! Who is he? He's every short man's dream thats who he is. But he still is a nobody.  He'll never make an all star team, ever.  But for one night of the year, that nigga is the man.  So let little man get his shine on.  

So. 

Yesterday I watched the movie Juice.  For any of you who know me very well,imagine me telling you that and laughing hysterically at the end of the sentence.  Like right around the part where i say the, and so on and so on.  Ellen and I sat in her dope house with the mutant lemons and watched the movie Juice.  And best part about it is half way through the movies we went to Michael's bought some beads, and made necklaces like Q was wearing during the Mix Massacre.  I'm going to wear them until someone other than Ellen says, "with ya juice beads." Promise. 

So. 

With the battery life dwindling I'm must say I'm going to end here.  If you can't tell I'm rusty let me be the first to tell you.  With time, I'll be back to my rib eating, syrup stealing, big crayon box telling self.  Just give me a minute.  

I was gone for a minute...

Now I'm back with the jump off...

Excuse me for quoting Lil' Kim... its just the first thing I thought of when I sat down to write. 

So I've been gone for a month but with good intentions I promise.  For those of you who know my mom has Valley Fever.  About three weeks ago she was put in the hospital for five days because her numbers were so high.  She was responding to the treatment very well and they released her a couple days early.  She has since been taken off of work for the next few months and has to go to the hospital three times a week to be hooked up to a machine for about five to six hours a day receiving treatment through an I.V. So that's been about two weeks in the making, and let me be the first to say God is great because the treatment is working.  Her numbers went down from 1:512 to 1:16 I can't believe it.  Oh and regular people like us are at 1:1 or 1:2 so 1:16 is amazing! She is still going to have to finish out her 20,000 milliliters of treatment which puts her to about April, but she's feeling good and I'm feeling good because of it. So that's where I've been for the last month. 

School Started...

School started three weeks ago, which means right after my mom came home from the hospital.  So try having to deal with both of those at the same time.  School is going great.  I'm working hard and am confident I'll be able to boost my GPA this year in time for grad school. Speaking of grad school.  I've decided that I am going to study documentary making in grad school.  So with that decision comes more... I am no long going to be striving for Northridge.  If everything works out, which it will, I'll be headed to the BAY and attending UC Berkeley's J-School.  The program is amazing and exactly what I was looking for.  It's going to be expensive but I know that this is where I'm supposed to be.  Where there's a will there's a way right? So with that being said... I know that I am going to have to bust my ass for the next year and a half so I can get done what I need to get in this program.  So if you don't see me for a while you'll know why... I'll catch you in four years on the small screen. 

with that being said I've got enough work to last me a month to do and only a weekend to do it. I'll be back soon... hopefully. 

High Cholesterol is a Bitch. That I want to fight.

High Cholesterol is a Bitch... that I want to fight... Can I fight my cholesterol? YEAH I CAN!

As stated earlier, I have ADD. And in order for me to sanely function through my day I must be on some sort of medication. Now do not confuse the previous statement with me saying I cannot function at all without my meds. I am simply saying that it is a lot better for me and probably you for that matter if I'm on them. I'm less likely to cuss you out and give you the bird when you cut me off while I'm driving. I am less likely to interrupt you when you are trying to tell me some important story you've been trying to tell me for weeks. Let's just say we can both get more accomplished when I have a little more help.

About three weeks ago I found myself at the very bottom of the bottle with just a few days worth of doses left.
So I did what any other person would do and requested a new prescription. Of course that would come with it's consequences. I was diagnosed with the disease, condition, whatever its being called now, a little over three years ago and have learned to dodge and maneuver my way around having blood test for that exact amount of time. Call me crazy but I'm definitely not trying to be poked and prodded by anyone ever so having blood taken is never on the top of my list. So I get a letter in the mail that states, "Hi Celia. I will not be filling any more of your prescriptions until you receive the required blood test." What?! Why the fuck did you even feel the need to say hi if you were just going to ruin my life with the next sentence. Okay, Okay, ruining of the life may be a bit extreme but let's be honest here, it's pretty damn difficult for me to function without it.

So I tell my mom what the letter says and she basically said suck the shit up I get poked every week we're going tomorrow. I thought at least she'd be on my side. WRONG! So the next day rolls around and my mom proceeds to take me down to Kaiser and get the lovely blood test done. I can not stress enough how unhappy I was at this moment by the way. I mean I know I would have walked the fuck out if my mom hadn't drove and I had a getaway vehicle.

So they finally call my name and I head back into the lab. I see a very friendly looking black lady and get kind of excited because I'm sure she'll have some kind of sympathy for me and maybe I'll get a lollipop or some stickers out of the deal. My mom looks at me and said, "Oh she's good. You want her to do yours." I'm like damn shouldn't they all be good? I mean, isn't this their fuckin job? So I took a seat in the cold ass room, in a cold ass chair, and placed my arms up on the cold ass table. The friendly black lady happened to be extracting numerous viles of blood from this old white couple so I had to wait. Everything was going fine until this big ass Mexican girl came around the corner. This bitch looked mean. She was huge and had a uni brow that came to a point in the middle of her forehead. Can you imagine that? A big ass Mexican with a uni brow. Oh yeah she had sideburns too. You know how those hairy Mexican girls have like beards and shit. Sideburns like Johnny Bravo. Yeah well that was her. So she waddles on over to me and asks me my name and tells me to stick my arms out. I took one look at her and said, "NO."

Big Mexican: "No? What do you mean No?"

Me: "Exactly what it sounds like. No. You are not going to be the one to administer this blood test."

Big Mexican: "I'm sorry sweetie but you don't have a choice. This isn't a place where you can pick and choose who is doing your test."

Me: "YEAH it is. No offense or anything but I don't need your heavy handed ass trying to get anything out of my body. This is a job for someone with grace. And I'm just not convinced you can do that for me."

Big Mexican: "I've been doing this job for years. I have many employee appreciation certificates hanging on the wall. Me being overweight does not affect my ability to do my job."

Me: "No. When you were overweight I bet that didn't affect your ability to do your job. However, now that I see you passed that category a hundred pounds ago. I will not allow any obese person place their damn hands on me. Can't you see how fragile I am?"

Big Mexican: " How do you expect anyone to want to be gentle with you when you are so rude. I can't believe the things you said even came out of your mouth?"

Me: "Look I tried to be nice to you okay? I really tried to just say no. But it was you who chose to ramble on about the ability to do your job. What do you want me to say? This is not a small ordeal. Look in the mirror lady. You don't even have the ability to raise your arms long enough to fill in your mean ass uni brow with your damn sharpie marker without shaking and ruining your face. There is no way in hell I'm letting you come within a hundred yards of my arm with any needle in your hand. That petite friendly looking black lady will do just fine thank you. Please step aside."

So needless to say she was hurt off that. She started shaking and getting all red and what not. Sweating her eybrows off. I was so embarrassed for the poor girl. I'm sure this was the last place she thought she'd be judged for her size. Boy was she wrong.

So a few minutes later the friendly black lady comes by. She starts popping my arm and shit. We're both praying a vein will pop out just long enough for her to get this shit over with. She says, " Man now I see why you are so sensitive about your blood test. You have tiny veins." I almost cussed her out. No shit I have tiny veins. I have a tiny body. What do I look like having big as veins on this little body? Come on now.

So two viles of blood and a urine test later I'm out the door with three lollipops, two balloons, and five stickers looking like a damn kid. But I don't care. I just had a fuckin blood test done that I've been avoiding for weeks. This is a damn celebration. I get a refill on the prescription, I survived the blood test, and now mom's taking me to John's Burgers. It's a good ass day.

A few days pass and I went to get the mail. Another letter from Kaiser Premenente (sp). Damn. What else do they want? I just wanted to get my damn prescription in peace and they keep fuckin bothering my ass.

The letter reads:

Hi Celia. You have high cholesterol. Your number is 220 and that is high as shit. You need to lose 5-10 lbs., work out regularly, and stop eating John's Burgers everyday.

Okay, Okay that wasn't it word for word but it was along those lines.

Can you believe it? I have high fucking cholesterol. To make matters worse, they say I have to go back in three months to check my levels again. Which means another run in with the fat bitch.

So I'm eating better now. I haven't had anything fried and no fast food in a little over two weeks. My pockets are fatter from all this money I'm saving. And, with all these bowls of Cheerios I've been eating... the box says I'll lower my shit by four percent in 6 weeks. I'm trying to get an endorsement deal. So if any of you know anyone who works for General Mills shoot them my number.

23,811... 2,600 words left today... 14 days left... 76,187 words to go... I'll be back Mutha Fucka!!!

I'm BAAAACCCKKK!

"When I come back like Jordan wearin' the 4-5"

I'm back. And as my man Jigga said... like "Repeat-Three-Peat MJ" not that dude who was trying to revive a franchise. (But let's be honest I love him just the same).

I was planning on waiting until school started back to come back to this lovely place I call home. However, on my way to work today I was getting an itch to see who, if anyone at all, left me a comment on my blog saying something... anything, that I haven't read yet. Well to my surprise there was a comment left that almost made me run right off the freeway.

Comment # 1: I've been checking your blog almost everyday of summer to see if you are going to make your goal of 100,000 words by the end of the summer. (Obviously I'm not there yet since I've taken about two months off) I think you're weak for not committing to your goal.

Now that was the line that really got me. I mean, I actually got angry because someone had the nerve to call me weak for not "committing to my goal". I'm not even going to go into detail of the summer I've had, or what I've been doing for the past two months because really, when it comes to this writing thing, all of that is irrelevant. So, let's just say I'm back. And you better believe I'm going to be better than ever. I've crunched the numbers and did the math. I'm currently at 20,760 words and with exactly two weeks left of summer I have to write at least 5,660 words a day to reach my goal. Doubt me if you'd like, but just know I feed off of those who doubt me. So with that being said: I'm back.

Let me catch you up.

So for those of you who don't talk to me on a regular basis and have been missing all my sarcastic words and thoughts allow me to catch you up on what's been going on in my life.

Aside from all the usual friend drama, and me caring a bit to much for too many people my mini me has moved away. Yup. My one and only side kick, my little brother. I took him to CSUN three times in a four day period to get test taken, orientations done, and yes the dreaded move in day. His roommate has a car so he's of course stupid excited about that. His "girl" is living across the parking lot (finally one I approve of). And after calling him everyday of his first week he finally realized he can't live without me either. He loves one of his classes and that's more than any of us expected and practice starts in two weeks. I'm happy he has the opportunity I passed up and is doing exactly what he was born to do. Be a collegiate student athlete. I'm sure within the next month I'll be down there numerous times to visit, at least until school starts anyway. Speaking of school starting...

While I was waiting for those long agonizing four hours at lovely CSUN while my brother took his placement test, I did come very acquainted with the campus and figured out a way to keep my little close to me. Move there after graduation. Duh. Of course for the past year and some change I had my heart set on attending my favorite college, USC, and graduating from one of the best communications programs in America, but then I realized I don't want to be in debt $120,000 for two years of my education. So I came back to square one, graduation creeping up on me faster than I'd like it to and no direction in site. I roamed through the campus, looking for anything to do because the minutes were moving slower than molasses. I found my way to the Communications department to get some much needed information. I took a look at the program and fell in love, especially with the $4,000 a year tuition price. One of my dear friends and first boss in the wide world of full time jobs is the GM of my old home Hollister in Northridge so looks like all the pieces are falling right into place. So what do I do now? Bust my ass in these classes for the next year and a quarter and rack up as much extra curricular activities as possible. Finally I'm in a place where my priorities are straight and life is looking up.

Maybe that two month break was needed. I mean, sometimes you have to step outside of yourself to realize where you are or where you're going. Not to worry about those who don't matter and keep those who do close to you. That's where I am now. Keeping those who do matter close to me and keep on pushing through the next thirteen fourteen months of my life. These are going to be the most crucial. What I can do during this time, will tell the tale of the rest of my life. They will be the framework for this house I'm building and it's only up to me how strong it will be. Right about now, life is good and I'm happy.

Things happen for a reason.

I swear things always happen for a reason because these past two months everything has started making sense. What I'm supposed to do with my life, who's supposed to be there, why family is the most important thing to me. I'm just a big ass ball of excitement right about now and don't really know what to do with myself. It took my brother going to Northridge for me to figure out that is the best place for me to get my masters. It took my mother being sick for me to realize it's not so bad being home right now, and it took my grandmother being sick for me to know how to deal with my mom. I mean it's been a roller coaster of emotions for me these past few months and everything kind of just coming to head when I found out my Mom wasn't getting any better. I went from the hard exterior girl who never cries to the one who was crying if you even moved your mouth to say mom. You didn't even have to be talking about mine and I was crying. But like I said, things happen for a reason. Maybe my mom being sick was showing me that everyone is vulnerable. Even those who you look at as superheroes. God knows I think of my mom as so. I haven't quite figured out why Mom isn't getting better but look at the bright side, if she would have had Valley Fever in any other city in America she would be in even worse shape. Thank God she's in the city where it has the best specialist in the US. The only place it originates from. The good ol' Kern Valley. That's what I'm thankful for.

As far as friends go, I've been keeping my distance from them too. Partly because I'm going through this phase where I won't let my mom out of my sight. Partly because that's just me. Sometimes I need a break. I need to just be alone sometimes. I just want to relax and chill out. You know, watch The First 48 with a big bowl of pop corn by my damn self. I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to go out. I just want to lounge in my PJ's and hit the sack by nine. Maybe that means I'm getting old...

My birthday.

It's my 23rd birthday kids. Well not today but in 21 days it will be. I'll be the big 2-3. I can't believe it. I'm so proud of myself. I'm in school. No kids. And I'm only 2 years away from being a quarter of a century. I feel wiser this year. I feel like I learned something the past year. Like the tattoo on my back makes sense now. I'm learning from the first 22 years and moving forward to make this 23rd a good one. I'm excited about this year to come.

Other things I've been working on.

Did any of you see the ESPY's? Well if you didn't, boy did you miss out. JT hosted the show and was hilarious. I'm pretty sure I watched it three or four times laughing just as hard as the first. But aside from being funny I did learn a thing or two that really catapulted me into my latest project. Tommie Smith and John Carlos received the Aurthur Ashe award. Now if you don't know who these guys are don't feel too bad because as much as I'm ashamed to admit it. I did not know who they were by name either. But does the 1968 Olympic games ring a bell? They are the two black men who thrust black gloved fist in the air during the national anthem and was consequently banned from the Olympics for life because if it. I was fascinated by the story and have really emerged myself in research since the airing of the show a couple months ago. (That's another reason why I've been absent) I took a trip to the library (more on that later) and really fell in love with the topic and their struggle. I've read four books and countless articles about the subject and really have been fortunate about the connections and the people willing to help me with this project. If all goes well I'll get to interview these guys and hopefully write one of the best pieces I've ever written. Senior Sem, here I come.

So as the cramps continue to ache my hands I'm leaving for now. I'll be back. Probably three or four times a day until my goal is met. And anonymous... I hope you keep reading. Nobody calls me weak and gets away with it.

22,435... 14 days to go... 77,565 words left...

Blacking them out.

Coming out of retirement.
I didn't even want to come back like this. Ranting and raving and angry. I try hard to not to let things bother me but it's hard. It's so hard. I don't know what it is or how its become that way but I continue to surround myself with fake ass, bum ass, stupid ass people. Being upset because they don't read my shit fails in comparison to the things that have been happening lately. I wish I could just go back to being mad about that. But no. Sorry. Life doesn't work that way. It throws big ass bricks at you when you aren't even looking. Damn life. Can't you at least call my name first so I can have a few seconds to sheild my face? Or do you like to throw heavy ass cinder blocks at my back? I learned a good lesson the other day... well hell this whole week for that matter. But it all started with my uncle telling me, "Celia you don't need many friends. If any at all. You see my friends (my mom and dad) I have four, Your mom and dad, and you and Chris by default. The older you get the less friends you have. Don't wait until you're my age to realize that." Damn. If that wasnt the best advice anyone's ever given me.

As of today I'm making a list of the bums I hang out with. And the way I'm feeling now its not going to take much to black them the fuck out. I mean really picture this... A big ass list of all my "friends" and as they fuck up I'm just going to take a big ass Sharpie marker, the biggest one they make, and cross their mutha fuckin name out. Scribble on that shit. Demolish it. I might run my marker back and forth so hard and so much I'll make one of those wet ass holes in the paper you did by accident when you were four coloring too hard. To be honest, the old me really wants to make the list here and now and list all the reasons I'm not friends with them anymore. But the new me is telling me: A. I'm above that, B. they wouldn't read the shit anyway, and C. They are so fucked up in the mind that the shit wouldn't even affect them.

One of my "friends"... kicked my ass to the curb for some bum who is controlling her life. BLACKED THE FUCK OUT.

One of my "friends"... has her own problems and is steady talking about mine to some grown ass women who know nothing about me. BLACKED THE FUCK OUT.

One of my "friends"... is the most judgemental person I know and I'm positive she's talking about me to the previous bum lets just say she's guilty by association. BLACKED THE FUCK OUT.

One of my "friends"... doesn't answer my calls, only calls me when she needs something, is super thirst and going out with some people she doesn't even like. BLACKED THE FUCK OUT.

Considering I don't have very many friends to begin with, the list is getting shorter by the day. I don't mind it. Honestly, I could care less. I just know I'm really going to go back to the old me and just not care at all about people. I didn't want to do that because I know the outcome. I'm going to be burnt that everyone relies on me and I have no one to rely on. But do you want to know what I learned? I don't need to rely not a mutha fuckin body. No one. And the minute I slip back into that mindset, I'll be happy. But like everything in life it comes with consequenses. I will be the BITCH who doesn't need anyone, who keeps everything to myself, who's stuck up, who's crazy. Me? No. Just remember it was the same mutha fuckas who will be judging me when I change that judged me before to make me this way. Fuck all of you. Real talk. I'm offically washing my hands of all of you bums. Donzo.

Phillip's Choice.

Talk about ass holes. Every computer I've worked on in the past two days have co-conspirited against me to ruin my goal. Yesterday, I was two topics away from finishing the blog and the damn computer wouldn't save. I stayed at work for a extra twenty minutes trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong. But, you know me and my ADD. I just didn't have the patience. I went home and knocked out because of course I had to be right back in this bitch a mere eight hours later. What kind of bum ass schedule is that? 6-11 then 7-12? Yeah PM then back eight hours later in the AM. Ain't that about a bitch?

So my friend, P. Barneez, gave me a list of topics today since I have officially ran out of things to write about. It's so frustrating sometimes because I get the sense I'm never going to make it to 100,000 if I don't have anything to say. So in order in which he gave them to me, here it goes.

I can tell the future.
Now I've said this time and time again that I can tell the future but no one seems to believe me. This isn't a trait I've had my whole life, however it is one I've been taught and I have refined over the past few years. It was my freshman year of college and I enrolled in Donald Lee's Fortune Telling class. Now for those of you who do are not familiar with Donald Lee, he is probably the most amazing person I know. He's humble, a real winner on the basketball court, and the best professor I've ever had. So, as I stated earlier, the past few years I've really been refining my skills. Let me take the time to clarify for you. I'm no Raven Baxter, I don't get those half ass visions that always end up being the exact opposite of what I see. Matter of fact, I don't get visions at all. It is just knowledge that jumps in my brain when I am asked a question. Any question. You can ask me anything you want and I'll have the answer, all thanks to Fortt 232. Just yesterday I dropped some knowledge on Phillip. His Kia was having some trouble like Blue, but Blue is back in commission and Kia is not. Phillip says he took Donald Lee's class but he's photoshopping. Because A: I never saw him in there and I know there was only one section, and one class. Period. And B: He didn't see this shit coming. So anyway, the Kia was breaking down or whatever, some sort of battery problem I guess, and he said that because he took it to the shop it was fixed and would never break down again. Please. I knew better than that. I had sharpened my skills so much he didn't even have to ask me a question. i just replied, "That's what you think." Well needless to say I was right. Just one day later, Kia broke down again, just like I said. Oh and get this the day after that, there was a hole in his coolant container thing a ma bob. So yeah, to make a long story short, I was right, but we knew that.

The demise of the Suns.
I’ve been procrastinating for months on writing this piece I guess when you have nothing left to write, you resort to that bank of things you’ve been meaning to write and haven’t. Well this topic just happened to be at the top of the list.

A while back I posted a blog about the infamous Shaq trade and the Pau trade. I had this amazing theory that the Suns were going to maintain the great team they were, and with the addition of Shaq make a legitimate title run. Well needless to say I was wrong. I hate to admit it but I was very wrong. It happens sometimes. Sue me.

I was positive the Shaq trade was the better trade. Positive. All the keys were there. The Suns were a next to perfect team, they ran the perfect offense, for them, and all they were missing was the inside presence. Shaq was supposed to fit the mold perfectly. Perfectly. Let’s just say he would have if I was coaching the team.

Where they went wrong.
It’s not hard to witness what happen to the Suns. They fell the fuck apart. They went thorough a, shall we say, identity crisis? Yes, that is it identity crisis. They thought that just because they have a big man, an aging one at that, they would drop the run and gun play that worked for them and play a half court set. Well, they were wrong.

What I would have done.
That shit is easy. Listen up. It only takes three people to run a successful fast break and anything over that amount is going to do nothing but clog the lanes. What does this mean? Leave Shaq’s big ass at the opposite basket and let him nap a little bit. He doesn’t need to run up and down the floor for them to be effective. His job is at one side of the court or the other, not both.

They lost their identity and that's all there is to it. If they would have remained the team they were prior to the big trade they would have been unstoppable. Shaq was not brought in to score he was brought in to be a 300 pound distraction. Shaq did his job. It was D'Antoni who didn't. And you all wonder why I'm happy he took that Knicks job. Please.

Fourth Graders.
I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. It's like fourth grade is the exact time of loss innocence. It's the grade they give all the girls the period talk at school. (Do they do that anymore?) It's the grade where boys and girls miraculously get cured from the cooties. It's the exact time where baby bad asses turn to big bad asses. I know when I hit fourth grade I started to participate in sports, I had my first boyfriend, and I went from innocent Celia to the most arrogant bitch at Panama Elementary. I was the best thing walking on campus. My socks always matched my outfit and I was the only fourth grade girl beating on the boys in the high jump. Fourth grade was a pivotal moment for my track career. I remember to this day receiving the golden track shoe right alongside my fourth grade boyfriend and walking down the aisle of arrogance together. Getting the golden track shoe is a big fucking deal for those of you who don't know. That means I had more first place than anybody in the whole fourth grade (even though I know I had more points than the fifth and sixth graders too).

But enough about me. Fourth graders today are even worse. Two months ago my cousin was the sweetest thing walking. But yep you guessed it, she graduated from third grade and now she's headed to fourth and her swag is mean. She went from barbie dolls to a boyfriend, listening to Chingy and now a fucking Myspace. I don't think I was doing anything but Oregon Trail when I was in fourth grade.

My mom used to teach the fourth grade so trust me I've done my homework when it comes to 10 year olds. Actually I'm probably over qualified to write on this subject. I was hoping the kids in my moms class would change my mind, but they didn't. Every time I set foot through the door someone is giggling, smirking, or whispering. All of which gets on my nerves by the way. However there was this one kid. He was BAD. Every day I was there he would have his desk all by himself in the room. No group activity for him. He didn't mind. I would always catch him with his desk up looking at a Laker book, staring at the Laker girls. I knew he was down when he said he loved basketball. I thought to myself, this just might be the kid to change my perceptions. Boy was I wrong. One day he asked me, "Do you go to Cal State?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Wow. So do you know some of the guys on the basketball team?" he said.

"Yeah, actually I do. I'm pretty good friends with one of the guys," I responded.

"Zack Grasmic?" he said with awe.

I replied with a valiant, "NO! No I'm not friends with Get Trapped Zack."

He said, "Well why not? He is the best player on the team?"

"No. No he's not," I was almost stuttering I was so mad.

"You don't know ANYTHING about basketball if you don't think Zack is the best player." he muttered.

It took everything in my power not to slap his white ass.

"Look little kid, you are all of ten years old. You don't know a damn thing about basketball. I've got twice the years on you and twice the years in basketball experience as well so you better get on somewhere before you make me mad." I replied.

"Make you mad? You are already mad that I know more about basketball than you. Oh and Micheal Jordan sucks." Then he stuck out his tongue, and hit the tether ball and it swung around the pole and hit me in the back.

I must have chased his little ass down for minutes before I could catch him. After two knee surgeries I can't say I still have those fourth grade golden track shoe worthy legs anymore. Oh but I caught his little ass. And rubbed his face in the dirt until he took back what he said. Needless to say, my mom got fired. Me and white kids just don't get along.

Blank VHS tapes.
So I've decided I am going to be sweding all my stories. [Sweding is from the movie Be Kind Rewind. Jack Black and Mos Def are unlikely friends. Mos Def works at a video store ran by Danny Glover and they only rent VHS tapes. Well, crazy ass Jack Black thinks something is taking over his brain, magnetizes himself, and erases all of the videos in the entire store. In order not to get Mos Def in trouble they start shooting and recording their own versions of the movies and getting the community involved. It starts bringing back business to the store because everyone wants to star in a movie. Anyway a new copy of the movie is called the sweded version. Pronounced ssssss-weed-ed.] I mean, I think my stories are pretty hilarious don't you? Who wouldn't really want to watch a movie of me punching that white broad in the face the other day over that barbecue? Oh and don't even think about saying that previous story about the fourth grader wouldn't be hilarious. Oh and that story about my highlighting co worker. Come on. It would be great. Anybody want to star in one?

Osmosis.
Two words, one concept. Osmosis Jones.
Enough said.

Pajamas.
I am purchasing a pair of pajamas with the feet in them. That's right, I said it. I am purchasing a pair of pajamas with the feet in them. You know the ones with the flap in the back and the zipper all the way up the front. It's my girl's birthday next month and she's having a good old fashioned slumber party for the girls. You know, the works. Pizza, beer, hop Scotch, side walk chalk, scavenger hunt. The works. But to be honest what I'm most excited about is those pajamas with the feet in them. I'm just scared I won't be able to find any to fit me. Has anybody seen any that come in zero extra long?

Diddy. Puff. P.Diddy. Puff Daddy.
No Bitchassness.


P.S. Thank you to Chante and Shanyia for sending me a text asking where's my blog. You are the ones who keep me on top of my game and for you I am grateful. I love you guys!




Until thoughts meet words...

( 20,065 words and counting...)

Still not happy but here it goes... Jigga Man.

Just a reminder that Blue is getting fixed today! I'm going to be back in action for real. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

In response.
Now I still haven't finished Fade to Black and I probably won't get to it any time soon because I loaned the movie out to a bigger fan than me. However, after yesterday's comments on my blog about Kingdom Come being a disappointment I am forced to defend what I believe in. So Zach, listen up, or read up rather.

Kingdome Come. (the KING DONE COME back.)
After a three year hiatus the king has come back. In the sense I'm writing this in '06 of course. All the same he's back and with two albums post retirement I can say each of them were works of art. Now we all know I'm not a Lil Wayne fan nor am I a Laker fan so it is safe to assume that I am not some crazy fan that likes everything the guy puts out. I have some rhyme and reason to my madness and frankly I just recognize the truth. I will resume my quest with Reasonable Doubt but I feel it necessary to start with Kingdome Come because of the pure skepticism of it all. So without further ado. Here it goes.

An overview of the album.
Jay-Z went out on the top of his game. The critically acclaimed Black Album is and always will be held at a high regard in fans and non believers alike. There are so many things that were right on that album and most importantly, it was fitting of the time in which it was made. How can anybody not say the same for Kingdom Come? I am more than sure people forget what was going on during those three years in between solo studio albums they refuse to recognize and accept Jay changed during that time. He grew older, he grew wiser, and he grew money. With more time on his hands jumpstarting careers of people with the likes of Rihanna and attempting to re launch the careers of people like Ludacris and LL Cool J, all of which are on Def Jam, he had more time to fine tune who he is or was and go through a much needed maturation process. For eight years prior he made a studio album every summer and released it in the winter, it was like clock work. So I am more than sure a break was needed. However, I do not believe that he knew at the time he was just taking "a break." With everything that someone is passionate, it is almost impossible to step away from something you love. Look at Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson. Even though they departed at the top of their game, when they see a void is missing it is their duty to fill it, as did Jay-Z. I guess what I'm getting at is there is no way Jay could have come back rapping about the same things he was before because he was in a different place in his life. The album was produced well, and I don't hear many people arguing with that, but what I do hear is many so called fans disappointed with his lyrics and his style when if they really studied this growth there would be no refutation. Jay-Z could not put out another Black Album. That was out of the question.

The Prelude.
Is there a better way to start a come back album? I think not. He's answering each and every one of your questions. He's explaining in a few hundred words the exact reason he's back. No, he doesn't necessarily want to be there. He makes it perfectly clear he's over it. [I've been through with this bullshit game but I never quit] But as I stated earlier, when it’s something you love, it's impossible to stay away. Let alone when what has become of it, is satisfactory at best. The set up is very reminiscent of Dear Summer. I always knew that song was the prequel to an album that wasn't released yet. Now I have my proof. Without saying it in so many words, Jay is talking to rap, to rappers, to the audience, explaining in a more aggressive way why he left and why he's back and why he doesn't really have to be here in the first place. On this track his flow is every different than anything on the Black Album. He is more aggressive than I've seen him in a very long time. This song represents the table of contents. It is laying out the frame work of what is to come next. I looked at each track on this album as chapters, some that he is revisiting and some that are new and he is trying to share with us.

Favorite Line: So I would write it if y'all could get it/Bein' intricate'll get you wood, critic/On the internet, they like you should spit it/I'm like you should buy it, nigga that's good business.

Oh My God.
I don't love this song, but I like it. I think it fits well in the composition of the rest of the tracks. I like the hook and the beat to the song. The hook is reminiscent of the Hovi baby remix, the girl’s voice anyway. Just another chapter of the book he is writing. It's typical Jay-Z. Rise through the trap game to what he is now. How he hopes he'll never go back. And how he's saying sorry to his mom for all the pain he may have caused her during the rough times. Then of course he resorts right back to who he is and how you can't deny his greatness. As I said typical Jay-Z. I really like the play on words in the last verse with the CNN ESPN line.

Favorite Line: Now I'm knee-deep in the concrete/Like the streets made of quicksand beyond deep/I got a chemical romance, two left feet/So I dance with the devil, please G.O.D/Save me from the black parade release me.

Kingdom Come.
Call me corny, but I liked this song. It has the perfect super hero beat, it was well thought out and clever. I think the beat sounding like a super hero's theme song paired with the super hero lines at the end of each verse was genius. There is not much else to say that you can't figure out by listening.

Favorite Line: Just when they thought it was all over/I put the whole world on my back and broad shoulders/The War-Hova, but who you know took over tracks like that/Guess what New York, New York - we back.

Show me what you got.
There isn't a better first single to release than this. The drums are ridiculous. The flow is ridiculous. The video is ridiculous. It's exactly what it should have been, classic grown up Jay with a twist. I just don't understand how someone could not like this song. Not only that, but say it's not Jay-Z enough. Like I said before dude was in a total different place in his life during this album and the last, if he was rapping like Reasonable Doubt people would say it’s forced. So here he is rapping about what he knows, what his life is like right now, vaca's and shit, and he gets the disappointment card.

Favorite Line: Give the drummer some/already gave the summer some/It’s the winter’s turn/Hovi Hov is the coldest/I’m just getting better with time/I’m like Opus…

Lost One.
I really love this song. This might be tied for my favorite on the album. It’s very sentimental and taps into a part of Jay we don't see too often. In the first verse he really told the story of the issues between him, Dame, and Biggs. He gave a good bye to what was and looked forward to what is without them. He was heartfelt but at the same time there was not a single time he let his guard down. In the second verse, he speaks about B. Who knows what was going on in his personal life during that point but it was a very grown up way to word it. The last verse is probably the most heartfelt of them all. Speaking to his deceased nephew in verse three really touched me because that's not something you hear him speak on often. I'm not so sure I would have released this as a single but either way you slice it, it works. Oh, and Chrisette Michelle did wonders on the hook.

Favorite Line: Close my eyes and squeeze, try to block that thought/Place any burden on me, but please, not that lord/Time don't go back, it go forward/Can't run from the pain, go towards it.

Do you wanna ride?
This is another one of those I didn't want to like at first but it grew on me. The narraration of the song can almost be missed if you don't listen to it enough. Never once does he stray from the conversation at hand. He is playing the main character and the narrator all at the same time. He has a clever way of creating ties at home by talking to Emory and boasting about his riches and new opportunities. Well done.

Favorite Line:Comin up though we thought slingin raw/was the end all be all of bein rich didn't we/Little did I know my mo' potent delivery/would deliver me, kingpin of the inkpen.

30 Something.
I am almost positive the only reason I like this song is because I saw him perform it live. Other than that he could have cut the album without it. It does send a much needed message to let people know he's not getting old and he's certainly not losing it. However, I still won't play this on repeat.

Favorite Line: I’m a bully with the bucks/don't let the paten leather shoes fool you young'n, I got the fully in the tux/that was my past now I'm so grown up/I don't got one gun army, got a slum army/to hire a gun army, get you spun like laundry/and I'll be somewhere under palm trees calmly.

Hollywood.
Hated it. Hated it, hated it, and hated it. But, it grew on me. When I first bought the album I listened to this song and was very upset. However, due to a few trips to the city with my girls, this song was obviously made for me and that moment. I can't listen to Hollywood anymore without reminiscing about that trip and those times. So do I mind if you don't like this one? No what's one out of fifteen?

Favorite Line: When your fame starts/It's a chain reaction/Locomotion like when the train departs/Stranger/Things have happened/Rapping/Stacking/Platinum plaquin'/Born in Brooklyn got a place in Manhattan/Going back to Brooklyn/To escape the madness.

Trouble.
Wow. This is another tie for my favorites on the album. This really taps into that "beef" that was going on around the time of the album's release and recording. He is telling all these dudes to step back, he's back. Not only is he speaking directly at them, he is using such metaphoric language. It's easy to spend hours and hours writing things down, but all of this comes off the top of his head. Metaphorically speaking, I think it’s his best since Meet the Parents. I don't know how anyone could not appreciate the art and thought that was put into a song about some bums that don't even matter. The scary part is this was effortless.

Favorite line: The whole song.

Dig A hole.
Another tied for my favorite. Actually it is possibly inching out the others for first. I think what people fail to realize is all of the singles he put out were about fluff and girls and cars and money. However there are more than enough songs on this album that tap into who he was pre Black Album. He is really dedicating numerous songs to let people know he's not coming back to play he's coming back to work. He showed the growth with the singles and kept old fans with songs like this one. This is just like trouble. Get at 'em Jay.

Favorite Line: The whole song.

Anything.
Of course he must have one club type track on each record and this is it. It’s very catchy as always, and I'm more than positive would have done well if released as an early single. Usher did his job and Jay did his job. What more can I say? (No pun intended.)

Favorite Line: Red light,TLC, through the Left Eye, my P.O.V./ On the ichat, how's that for computer love?/ She rolled her eyes back, I'm like Ooo, you so nasty/You turned my Maybach back seat in to the Hotel de Paris.

I made it.
It's corny. I didn't like it at all. I mean it speaks to a lot of people, young black men, who are rising above the adversity and paying homage to the stable figure in the black community the mother. I know a few cats that hold this song dear to their heart because of their situation. I personally can't relate. I'm a woman, and I haven't really had much adversity to fight through to be honest. I skip this track.

Favorite Line: Hooray, it's the underdog now, my feat under desk/I'm the presidential favorite/ can’t believe I got away with my earlier stages/ to being on stages, havin my way with the world.

Minority Report.
This was a much needed record in the light of the catastrophic events in the South. He used this time as an attempt to apologize and reconcile what happened (you'll see in my favorite line). Don't think I would have gone with Neo on this one, only because I can't stand his ass (Sorry Shanyia!! =/). Although this is not my favorite song on the album, it is the one that is most needed and plays the largest part outside of the record. He was very blunt and very real as always. But hey, what can you expect?

Favorite Line: Sure I ponied up a mill, but I didn't give my time So in reality I didn't give a dime, or a damn I just put my monies in the hands of the same people that left my people stranded. (Really I couldn't pick one. I just picked this one for Gary Payton.)

Beach Chair.
My favorite. This is my absolute favorite. This song is second on my all time favorite songs my Shawn Jay-Z Carter. If you really listen to what he's saying in this song he makes himself vulnerable. Now we all know that is not something Jay does. He is such a private person I'm surprised I know as much about him as I do. Please if you do not read another word I write, listen to Beach Chair and learn something. Learn what being humble means. This was the perfect ending to the album. He spends all this time telling a story amongst all the tracks starting with the most arrogant of them all, the prelude, and finishing with what I deem as a humble ending.

Favorite Line: The whole song.

P.S. No I didn’t count the Jay lines.

(18,044 words and counting... almost 20% of the way there!! =])